Monday, 15 August 2011

Flow Festival 2011 baby. Wow wasn't it crazy?

So once again Helsinki's Flow Festival came and went and I came and went somewhere completely different. That's right, I didn't make it to Helsinki much to the dismay of myself and not a lot of other people.

I felt like writing up a totally bogus festival review about how Kanye West had his voice so autotuned that at the end of his set an actual Daft Punk-esque cyborg erupted from his mouth, tweeted pictures of its own metallic penis and then fucked over Finland's version of Taylor Swift, who may or may not be called Ronya.

"Yo Ronya, I'm really happy for you and I'ma let you finish, but your song 'annoying' is just really fucking annoying, so actually I'ma not let you finish" -insert metallic penis here-Link

James Blake, the golden boy of dubstep, has definitely hung up his dubstep shoes as he proceeded to sit on a stool for 45 minutes repeating the same 14 words over and over for 40 of those minutes. Then he played a cover song.

Turns out that someone called Bridget Hayden played the best gig of the festival on Sunday at the Cirko stage but because there was literally nobody watching her, due to a) not finding the stage b) not giving a fuck, I'm the only person who knows this. The empty crowd gave Bridget an eerie sense of mystery and set every hipster on the face of the earth on to red alert, because as we all know there's no greater feeling than being able to slip "Oh, you haven't heard of her? Oh, please everyone has heard of her" into a conversation to make you a superior being.

Superior enough to look like this.


Just days before the festival Q-Tip had to cancel his show and the organisers luckily managed to fill in his slot with MF DOOM. Unfortunately just before his gig, DOOM realised he's allergic to nickel and that wearing a nickel plated mask for all these years was a terrible idea. Needless to say, DOOM had to cancel as well because he'd ended up looking like Leonardo Di Caprio. Eesh.
The organisers yet again worked their magic and roped in Vanilla Ice to please the Hip Hop hordes. VN-ICE was right at home on the main stage and due to popular demand he played 7 encores. Every single one of them being 'Ice Ice Baby'. After his gig everyone rushed off to the merch stands to buy his super limited 7" prints of 'Ice Ice Baby' b/w 'who cares what track, you'll never listen to it anyway'.

Just before her performance Lykke Li found herself in a lot of pain and that she couldn't sing any songs and had to cancel. Turns out she had a trumpet in her head and just couldn't get it out. I blame Kanye. We've all seen what he's capable of and cranial insertion of brass instruments is probably a piece of piss compared to all the other shit he's done.

Someone said Hauscka was a bit of a let down after he forgot his piano in Germany and his gig was just 2 hours of complete silence (but you know the artsy type of cool silence). It was however miles better than Empire of the Sun who came on the stage in crazy headgear and played the entirety of MGMT's back catalogue in the hope no-one would notice anything was wrong. There was. It's not 2008 anymore.

Apparently everyone who knew anything about anything, went to see Finnish superstars Rubik who were headlining the cube stage. There was some crazy discrimination going on as the band attempted to segregate different coloured members of the audience to stand in their own sections in the front, back and at the sides of the stage. The gig however was deemed a failure as one stubborn white dude wouldn't get over to his own allotted section and just stood there with all the blue dudes. This frustrated the band so much that they've now opted for a name change and are now known as Sudoku.

That's it for my festival report, it's good to be back.


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